At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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