No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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