did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Randomize
