my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Should I hook up with a slut its your call
Yes. Wrap it. If you dont have a condom do it anyway. YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
