White coat. Heels.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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