you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
