Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
