I just made out with a guy for $7.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
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