I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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