The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
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