i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Randomize
