Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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