your room smells of hookers.
And success
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
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