my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
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