Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
