I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
