If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
