eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
