I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
