Where are you???
With some dude on the way to his house to blaze
You went back to a stranger's house????
He isn't a stranger...he used to be on kids, inc.
I love LA.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
