I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
