I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
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