Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Randomize
