it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
