Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
