i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I have fence marks all over my body
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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