I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Randomize
