i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
do nipples grow back?
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
