I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
