Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize