dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
