Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
please come you make the beer taste better
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
