she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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