Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
