Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
