Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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