did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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