god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
