dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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