Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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