i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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