Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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