Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
