I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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