At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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