I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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