Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Randomize
