If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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