i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
