I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
