Christians are straight up FREAKS
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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