I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
