zippers are such a cool invention
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
