It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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