I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
