it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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