You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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